Be Like This
by Buthainah
Summary: Sometimes, things just collapse.  And they can't help themselves. [Kabuto x Shizune]


**Disclaimer: **I don't own Naruto, obviously. **The song is The Walk by Imogen Heap.** I suggest you listen to it if you haven't already. :

_Inside-out, upside-down,  
Twisting beside myself.  
Stop that now,  
'Cause you and I were never meant to be.  
I think you'd better leave.  
It's not safe in here.  
I feel a weakness coming on.  
_

* * *

The moment she steps into her apartment, she knows he's there. Over the past few months she's gotten better at sensing his presence, so she doesn't get such a nasty shock when she walks into her kitchen and finds Yakushi Kabuto raiding her fridge or taking medical supplies. 

She doesn't mind all that much--true, she was about to kill him the first time she caught him at it, but he just seemed so desperate for food that she couldn't help but take pity on him. Plus, he's always in and out--he just takes what he needs and leaves. They hardly ever speak; he prefers to just smile at her, mutter "thanks" and run out the door--his approach to most of life, she figures.

She doesn't like admitting to herself that she'd like it if he stayed to talk to her, or that she loves it when he smiles and holds her gaze for just a second too long.

* * *

_Alright then, (alright then.) _  
_I could keep your number for a rainy day.  
That's where this ends.  
No mistakes no misbehaving.  
I was doing so well.  
Could we just be friends?  
I feel a weakness coming on.  
_

* * *

She's paranoid of getting caught. It's silly, really--no one sees him go in, or go out, and it's not like she's sleeping with him or anything. Not that she hasn't thought about that before. 

That's another one of those things she doesn't like admitting to herself.

It's not like she's a slut or anything; she's just flattered. She had noticed him even before he was revealed to be working for Orochimaru; he was cute, and smart, and unassuming, and she couldn't help but feel like it was a bit of a compliment that it was _her_ house he came to. Especially since she'd never really spoken to him before.

And as much as she tries to convince herself that she does _not_ have a crush on him, she can't help glancing at her reflection in the mirror for a second to make sure she looks all right before walking into the next room.

* * *

_It's not meant to be like this.  
Not what I planned at all.  
I don't want to feel like this.  
Yeah  
No it's not meant to be like this.  
Not what I planned at all.  
I don't want to feel like this.  
So that makes it all your fault.  
_

* * *

"Kabuto?" she calls softly, walking tentatively into her tiny kitchen. Sure enough, he's standing on the far side of the room, carefully reading the labels on two glass vials. He doesn't move a muscle at the sound of her voice; in fact, even though his glasses are slowly sliding down the bridge of his nose, he doesn't move at all until he apparently decides to take them both, throwing them into an open bag on the counter. 

Only then does he turn his head, pushing his glasses back up, his mouth forming half of a real smile.

"Hi," he says, as though these were perfectly normal circumstances.

Firmly denying the nauseating effect of the butterflies in her stomach, Shizune answers, "Hi."

He suddenly looks embarrassed, as if snapped out of a reverie. "Um, I'll go in a minute, sorry, it's just--"

"It's fine," Shizune answers, perhaps a little too quickly, and they stand in awkward silence for a second. "I mean, stay as long as you want," she says, deliberately slower this time, desperately trying to cool the blush she can feel rising in her cheeks. She silently berates herself for sounding like a nervous teenager.

Kabuto opens his mouth, but doesn't say anything--he stands there for about a second, and she can practically see him searching for something to say. "Okay," he says at last. He starts to turn his head again, but then stops and adds, "Thanks, I know--"

"No problem," Shizune cuts him off, smiling kindly. Inside she congratulates herself for not stuttering. "Is there anything in particular you need?" she asks quickly, to break the impending awkward silence, walking over to where he's standing.

* * *

_Inside-out, upside-down,  
Twisting beside myself.  
Stop that now.  
You're as close as it gets  
Without touching me.  
Oh now don't make it harder  
Than it already is.  
I feel a weakness coming on.  
_

* * *

"Uh, mostly just basic stuff," he answers, pointedly trying to look anywhere but at her. "I found most of it already, but, uh, would you happen to have any more gauze in there? I didn't, um, find a lot…." he trails off, at a loss for what else to say. 

"I have no idea," Shizune answers honestly. "Let me look." She stands on her toes to see the full contents of the medicine cabinet, trying but failing to ignore the voice inside her screaming the fact that she was less than an inch away from him. As she shifts boxes aside, she can't help but notice the fact that he's staring at her. The vulnerability of his expression strikes her; she admits that she had always thought of him as an emotionless kind of person. She feels slightly awkward at having glimpsed a part of the soul inside, and focuses her attention on actually looking for more gauze.

That doesn't last very long. Moments after she pries open a small metal tin, she feels something trace along the back of her neck. It's so light that she almost could have chalked it up to her imagination, but at the same time she knows it was him, brushing her hair off the nape of her neck.

She tries to ignore her soft intake of breath and the way the spot he touched seems to burn, as if it was blistering.

* * *

_It's not meant to be like this.  
Not what I planned at all.  
I don't want to feel like this.  
Yeah.  
No it's not meant to be like this.  
Not what I planned at all.  
I don't want to feel like this.  
So that makes it all your fault.  
_

* * *

After satisfied with the fact that, even if she were actually looking, she wouldn't find any more gauze, she falls back onto her feet and turns to him, shaking her head slightly. "Sorry, there isn't any." 

But as she registers the expression on his face, she realizes that he probably doesn't care all that much.

He's staring right into her eyes, with the ghost of a smirk playing around his lips. The intensity of gaze is enough to make her start to blush furiously, and she's suddenly reminded of a young Hyuuga she met earlier that day. It's incredible the effects that stare has on her body; she can feel her heartbeat accelerate and her breathing become faster.

Figuring she needs to say something to break the silence before something more happens, she opens her mouth.

Big mistake. He takes this as an invitation to gently--and, admittedly, awkwardly--kiss her.

The truth is, she doesn't really feel it, it's so soft and hesitant. But she can tell by the way he looks at her as he pulls away--almost pleading, keeping his lips hovering just centimeters from hers--that he's waiting for permission to kiss her more like he means it.

And she knows she really shouldn't and it's probably the biggest mistake of her life but inside she's happier than she's been in months and he has the most beautiful eyes, so before she can help herself she wraps her arms around his neck.

And that's all the permission he needs.

* * *

_Big trouble losing control.  
Primary resistance at a critical low.  
On the double gotta get a hold.  
Point of no return one second to go.  
_

* * *

He's a really, really good kisser, she'll give him that, and for once she finds herself glad that her apartment's so small, so there's no need for the awkward pause and the question, "where's the bedroom", because it's the only other door, and everything seems to be flashing in a whirlwind before her eyes, and no matter how hard she tries she can't force herself to pull away from him, from this feeling.

* * *

_No response on any level,  
Red-alert this vessel's under siege.  
Total overload all systems down they've got control.  
There's no way out.  
We are surrounded.  
Give in, give in and relish every minute of it.  
_

* * *

In the blink of an eye she finds herself pinned down to her bed by the weight of him on top of her, and she's astonished at how quickly her clothes seem to come off and fall to the floor. 

And for a second, just for a second, they both stop and stare at each other, simultaneously realizing the magnitude of the mistake they're about to make and the unstoppable force driving them off the edge.

And then the moment's gone and there's nothing she can do but give in.

* * *

_Freeze or make it forever.  
I feel a weakness coming on.  
_

* * *

Shizune jolts awake, gasping softly. For a second she's not sure if it's night or day, what woke her up, or if last night even happened. Then she realizes she's clutching the sheets over her naked body, and realizes the answer to the last one. 

The answer to the second one comes shortly after that, as she realized the clinking of bottles is coming from Kabuto, fully clothed and rummaging through his bag of stolen medical supplies in the corner. Upon hearing her awake, he looks up, and says, "Oh. Sorry. Did I wake you up?"

Shizune squints at him, confused. There's something different about him. She can't see his face very well (4:30 AM, the clock beside her reads) but she can tell it's not open like it was last night. Even his voice has changed--he spoke with careful monotony, as though afraid he might give away more than he already did the night before.

"Uh, yeah, but it's fine," she says, scooting closer to the end of the bed. "Where are you going?"

"Where I'm supposed to be," he says, his voice still flat, but this time she can detect a hint of anger in it.

"It's 4:30 in the morning," Shizune says, still staring at him. It's clearly making him uncomfortable, as he pointedly turns away and tosses her her shirt off the floor. She catches it, but doesn't put it on. "Can't you stay a little longer--"

"No!" he nearly shouts, still facing the wall. Shizune jumps a little at the volume of his voice; before he had been speaking in a half-whisper.

"I mean," he says, clearly trying to keep his frustration under control, "I can't. I have to leave." He turns around, but upon seeing she still hasn't put her shirt on, quickly turns back to face the wall again. "Please put your shirt on."

"I don't see why it bothers you so much," Shizune says, pulling it reluctantly over her head, "considering last night--"

"Last night," he says, shouting again, his frustration breaking through. He stops himself, and turns around. He speaks in nothing but a carefully monotonous, quiet voice, but the venom is unmistakable. "Last night should not have happened. I shouldn't even be here. I'm going."

Shizune stands up and follows him as he picks up his bag and starts to walk out the door into the kitchen. "Hold on--wait--"

She doesn't even know what she's going to say, but she knows she has to say something, something to keep him from leaving her, something to make him stay for one more minute, something to make him forgive her--and himself--for the terrible mistake they made of falling in love with each other. She can feel tears beginning to rim her eyes, and she can feel the happiness of last night collapse within her, all of it ending with a terrible, inevitable crash.

So she's lucky, in a way, that before she can say anything he spins around and kisses her.

* * *

_It's not meant to be like this,  
Not what I planned at all.  
I don't want to feel like this.  
Yeah.  
No it's not meant to be like this,  
It's just what I don't need.  
Why make me feel like this?  
It's definitely all your fault.  
_

* * *

It's not like how he kissed her last night, though; it's rough and desperate and filled with so much sadness that she can feel the air being sucked out of her lungs. And so in her desperation she kisses him back just as fiercely, doing the only thing she can think off to keep herself from suffocating. 

"Please," she manages to whisper as they both pull apart, gasping for air.

And she swears she can see whatever light he has left in his eyes die as he says, "I'm sorry."

As soon as she hears the door click shut, she feels her body shake with the sob she can't stop from coming. She feels herself sink down to the floor, leaning against her bed, unable to stop herself from crying over how stupid she was to let herself fall in love with the one thing she knows--she _knew_--that she could never, ever have.

And as she sits there, crying over her stupid, stupid mistakes, she realizes just how huge her tiny apartment feels when she's all alone.

Fin.

* * *

A/N: Well, I think that's the longest thing I've ever written that I put on here. I haven't officially posted anything for, like, a year. Maybe more than a year. Or maybe less, I've really no idea. Anyway, so basically for a while other things besides writing took over my life, but now that things are under control again here we are. Love it, hate it? Review it. : peace out kiddies. 


End file.
